When I was in college at Concordia, I roomed with Monkey.
Unlike other best friends that are like, "Hey man, lets room together at college!" And the other is like " FUCK YES!!" and whatnot. Then six months later they are plotting ways to make each other either die, or move out.
That didn't happen, thankfully, with Josh and I. Even after one year of rooming together, we remain pretty much brothers. I'm 95% certain the doctor just messed up on some paperwork.
Even though we did not wind up resenting each others existences, there was still some tension. I am also certain that this is normal whenever two or more humans are required to share personal space. For example, as a moose, I am pretty much unorganized and messy. Looking around my room right now, I can see that is pretty much the same. Josh (Monkey) on the other hand... very cut/straight kind of kid. Likes his clothing in drawers and hangers, or dirty ones in a hamper, paperwork in folders and... well, he likes his shit nice. Lets put it that way.
So day one of rooming together. We get all our furniture, clothes, beds, desks and miscellaneous personal attire adjusted. We are tired, sweaty and satisfied with ourselves for being in college and getting settled in. I decide to enjoy one of my favorite snacks. I like cheerios right from the box, and water. Not mixed, but just water to wash them out of my teeth and into my belly. It fills me with glee. So I go about doing this. I don't remember if he went to shower or to get some food or something, but either way he left for some time.
During my grazing on the horde of cheerios (seriously it was like one of those double boxes) I spilled a few....
Okay like a lot...
Alright, alright probably like half the box.
Anyway, I picked up like as many as I could see and reach with ease. I'm lazy. What can you do.
Nothing really happened that night. I am sure that the monkey saw the Cheerios and just didn't care at the time. He was also tired and wanting to be lazy at the time, I am sure.
Around nine in the morning, I was probably already awake, but he goes and gets our shitty vacuum. I think he vacuumed for like twelve hours. And these Cheerios, needless to say, upset him on a very deep level. I may have even damaged his pituitary. I am still investigating this.
No matter how hard he tried that day, Cheerios just kept showing up. And not like far in the corner, they'd seriously just morph into the middle of our floor. Honestly, even I can't explain this part. It's like they were in our shoes or something, and then whenever we stepped over the middle of the room, they decided to fall out. It even bothered me a little bit honestly.
So Monkey decided to have a conversation with me about this. At least I like to think he did. It makes me entertained. Here's a brief synopsis our this conversation.
Monkey: "Fuckin' Cheerios!!!"
Me: "Yeah."
So my mind began to work. I knew that he wasn't terribly upset about them, but he frowned at this Cheerio morphing thing that kept happening. I also enjoy pranks. So I decided to play a little game with him. Throughout the semester I was going to strategically place Cheerios among our dorm room. Not like large amounts of them. Just like one here, one there. In the shower, behind his Kleenex box. Etc.
Now I know that this was at least 35% asshole, but it was just too fun to see him go a little spaztic about finding a Cheerio in his copy of "The Canterbury Tales" on page 53. Priceless in my humble opinion. You can't buy that kind of entertainment. Well, you probably can, but porn shops are pretty gross.
I mean there must be semen everywhere. At least I think so.
So that is pretty much the game. It is not very elaborate or intricate, but it definitely provided some laughs and entertaining events. And even with all of those Cheerios, we still don't hate each other. Matter of fact the kid is still my best friend. No doubt about that. Not sure how he will react to this post, since I don't think I ever told him about the game yet.
Maybe Crispix next?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Ode to Snow
This morning began like most others. I spent the most of the very early morning stumbling my way across the world wide web in search of the obscure, horrifying and entertaining. I succeeded. By the way, I'm not really doing an ad for stumbleupon.com, but if you ever decide that that f-word that consumes peoples lives (and very possibly souls) isn't enough to keep you entertained anymore during your free time, I would go to this site, and sign up for it. It's free, and you basically click little things that you are interested in. Like I picked music, online games, funny, cooking, and a few others. Then it puts a toolbar in your browser and you hit stumble and BAM! Be entertained for hours without actually having to think of things to type, Stumble will do it for you. I'm almost certain this will triple your usage, oh great Stumble. Now pay me! ;P
OK so I dislike that I cannot tab to indent on this. Stupid.
Anyway, I then went to bed, because my computer crashed. I woke up to my alarms about four hours later. The only way to actually drag myself, actually probably any moose, out of a bed is with a bare minimum of three alarms. I use five. And they are strategically placed at all corners of my room. In college, I usually didn't need this, because I roomed with Monkey, and he almost always got me up in the morning. Or the sheer desire to play WoW all day did. Or melodic thuds from the room down the hall to the right. One of those three. Fun fact #1 about Monkey: When he is like just past falling asleep, he will do one of two things, the first being shaking his head very rapidly on the pillow he happens to be lying on. The second is kicking his feet like a kid that is just learning how to swim. Makes me laugh every time. It also let me know when I could go about playing the game I invented in college. I don't think he knew it was a game, but I'll probably make a post entitled "The Game" later, so try not to be confused about it for now.
Anyway, both of those paragraphs are a result of pure over tiredness and my English Toffee cappuccino wearing off. So like I was saying, to get a moose out of bed, place the bare minimum of three alarm clocks around the room so that the moose actually has to get up out of bed, find the source of the cacophony, shut it off, and then go back to bed. This takes at least three attempts before it will actually stay out of bed, mostly because he is too tired to deal with any more frustration in anywhere from 3-7 minutes. So that is how I got up, angry and bitter, (don't worry, I am always angry and bitter of my alarm barrage in the morning) I went and turned on my light, which did nothing, because I broke it 3 months ago and am still convinced that if i really really want it to the bulbs will magically replace themselves. So I stumbled ( literally, not another website promo) to my blinds and yanked them open and started my day with a profanity. It began with 's'.
My entire lawn was covered in snow. Not like the one possible inches that the weather lady said... like four Effing inches. I was just mad. This year in Wisconsin, we had too much snow anyway. And as I'm getting older I am realizing how much I hate long winters. Like we had this amazing March near the end, like 70-80 degrees a week straight. It's like God is up there going "Oh, you wanted spring?? Well, I changed my mind. You get second winter! And I was just sad and depressed, cuz heavy wet snow was destroying my hopes of getting to school early and finishing my homework probably. Or just going online and watching fat kids fall. The
drive to school was slow, I was late, and I failed at getting my homework done. I also almost went in the ditch.
So in class before we went into the lab, I made a simple note, and opened the
window and threw it in the snow. Only reason being is that I don't think snow has a P.O. box... It went like this.
Dear snow, you truly really suck.
You made me slip and slide today in my big brown truck. I hope you melt and that no more of you will pelt my window in the morning. I almost died because of you, head on collisions are not fun. If you had a head, I would shoot it with a gun.
Srsly. GTFO.
So anyway in class we made a bunch of cool garnishes and centerpieces...
Fuck. By the way, Internet, I am in culinary school. I am also pretty musically inclined. I am also single. (Ladies, line up over there.) Just playin. I also work at THE BEST restaurant in all of Fond du Lac, Theo's Cream City Chophouse. Seriously, if you ever happen to find yourself in Fond du Lac, you should try to get there. Ill make you food. :) (we do have a website... I think if you Googled the name, it will show up.
Anyway so like I was saying once I figure out how to post images on the blog, I think I will show you jsut exactly what my ADD and Garde Manger do when mixed for four hours. It was kind of awesome. No, actually it was straight up awesome.
I will be making another post later tonight about something that happened to me at work yesterday. But I have to return to work and stuff. Wish me luck! I just got a raise and a promotion last week :).
OK so I dislike that I cannot tab to indent on this. Stupid.
Anyway, I then went to bed, because my computer crashed. I woke up to my alarms about four hours later. The only way to actually drag myself, actually probably any moose, out of a bed is with a bare minimum of three alarms. I use five. And they are strategically placed at all corners of my room. In college, I usually didn't need this, because I roomed with Monkey, and he almost always got me up in the morning. Or the sheer desire to play WoW all day did. Or melodic thuds from the room down the hall to the right. One of those three. Fun fact #1 about Monkey: When he is like just past falling asleep, he will do one of two things, the first being shaking his head very rapidly on the pillow he happens to be lying on. The second is kicking his feet like a kid that is just learning how to swim. Makes me laugh every time. It also let me know when I could go about playing the game I invented in college. I don't think he knew it was a game, but I'll probably make a post entitled "The Game" later, so try not to be confused about it for now.
Anyway, both of those paragraphs are a result of pure over tiredness and my English Toffee cappuccino wearing off. So like I was saying, to get a moose out of bed, place the bare minimum of three alarm clocks around the room so that the moose actually has to get up out of bed, find the source of the cacophony, shut it off, and then go back to bed. This takes at least three attempts before it will actually stay out of bed, mostly because he is too tired to deal with any more frustration in anywhere from 3-7 minutes. So that is how I got up, angry and bitter, (don't worry, I am always angry and bitter of my alarm barrage in the morning) I went and turned on my light, which did nothing, because I broke it 3 months ago and am still convinced that if i really really want it to the bulbs will magically replace themselves. So I stumbled ( literally, not another website promo) to my blinds and yanked them open and started my day with a profanity. It began with 's'.
My entire lawn was covered in snow. Not like the one possible inches that the weather lady said... like four Effing inches. I was just mad. This year in Wisconsin, we had too much snow anyway. And as I'm getting older I am realizing how much I hate long winters. Like we had this amazing March near the end, like 70-80 degrees a week straight. It's like God is up there going "Oh, you wanted spring?? Well, I changed my mind. You get second winter! And I was just sad and depressed, cuz heavy wet snow was destroying my hopes of getting to school early and finishing my homework probably. Or just going online and watching fat kids fall. The
drive to school was slow, I was late, and I failed at getting my homework done. I also almost went in the ditch.
So in class before we went into the lab, I made a simple note, and opened the
window and threw it in the snow. Only reason being is that I don't think snow has a P.O. box... It went like this.
Dear snow, you truly really suck.
You made me slip and slide today in my big brown truck. I hope you melt and that no more of you will pelt my window in the morning. I almost died because of you, head on collisions are not fun. If you had a head, I would shoot it with a gun.
Srsly. GTFO.
So anyway in class we made a bunch of cool garnishes and centerpieces...
Fuck. By the way, Internet, I am in culinary school. I am also pretty musically inclined. I am also single. (Ladies, line up over there.) Just playin. I also work at THE BEST restaurant in all of Fond du Lac, Theo's Cream City Chophouse. Seriously, if you ever happen to find yourself in Fond du Lac, you should try to get there. Ill make you food. :) (we do have a website... I think if you Googled the name, it will show up.
Anyway so like I was saying once I figure out how to post images on the blog, I think I will show you jsut exactly what my ADD and Garde Manger do when mixed for four hours. It was kind of awesome. No, actually it was straight up awesome.
I will be making another post later tonight about something that happened to me at work yesterday. But I have to return to work and stuff. Wish me luck! I just got a raise and a promotion last week :).
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Things that crossed my mind at 12:32 in the morning. And Flying Squirrel Mullets.
I have never given serious thought to starting a blog. Not once, ever. I have however attempted multiple times to journal. You know, like pen and paper... inks, notebooks and and ice bath for my goofy hand. Seriously, I write like a lefty with my right hand. No joke, I freaked out a little bit with both excitement and curiosity when I discovered that. I was like... what else do lefty's do differently. Do they throw a ball at a different angle and curvature? Bowl with different fingers?
I think this merits investigation. Not by me though. See the first thing you must learn about a moose, like myself, is that we simply just do not care. Honestly internet, short of you intruding into my personal space, prodding me with a stick, or actively hunting me, I will pretty much leave you to your business. This lack of care often leads to procrastination. I cannot tell you how many times I have looked into a mirror and seen foliage hanging off my antlers (things stuck in my hair, teeth) or like just a sopping wet mane and coat and just been like. "yeah, that will go away by itself." I also an a bit passive aggressive, and I think that is pretty standard when it comes to us moose. You see me all like chill in the little pond thing doing moose stuff and then you get closer and its like.. well I'm not sure how it would go but I think something like:
Interloper: Oh, wow, that's a moose!
Me: I hope he doesn't try to come closer and investigate my moose stuff.
Interloper: I'm going to get all up in his moose stuff!
Me: Shit.
Interloper: "Hey Moose! What are you doing??"
Me: "Nothing." JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! (in my head)
Interloper: "Looks like you're carving obscenities into the door of your locker, there moose."
Me: "Yup, now please leave me alone."
Interloper: "Can I join? I got a real nice obscenity carving tool here...
Me interrupting: GO AWAY BEFORE I USE THAT HANDY OBSCENITY CARVING TOOL TO MAKE A SHANK OUT OF YOUR SPINE!!!
Okay, well I only actually say that last part in my head. Because I'm passive-aggressive, and if I actually said that, well, its not really passive aggressive. Unless i misunderstand the term. I usually just cut the person off in a must subtler way, then make them pay for their interloping over time.
Sometimes I wish I had the moose balls to just say things like that. It could really simplify things if I could immediately let the interloper that no, I would not like him to join in on my obscenity carvings on MY locker door, and that it would bring me great joy to make a shank out of their spine. But if I did that, then I wouldn't really be a moose. I'd be like a bear. Cuz bears don't fuck around with interlopers. Something like this?
Bear sees Interloper.
Interloper dies.
I don't know if any of that was necessary. The point is, just let me carve my obscenities. I promise they are probably not about you.
Another thing you must get used to (apparently) is me jumping from rural ponds with moose to modern high school hallways, college dorms, medieval combat society fields, and urban locales. Probably just for this first post, and since I have ADD, I probably wont keep it up for very long.
All I wanted to do thus far is explain a little bit about myself and why I am called moose by my close friends. I am a relatively calm, passive aggressive person who writes funny with his right hand, which is a problem I imagine all moose have, AND I like to be left alone when carving obscenities. And I have ADD. Im not sure how badly. bad? whatever. I passed, well, failed the ADD test as a child, but it was by a margin, and I know I have it. You will too after several posts. Hell, you might know already.
I am sure my physical stature also has something to do with it, as I am a 6'5, I have brown hair, often times long, brown eyes and a walk that you could call "lumbering" -- haha, okay so after re-reading this before posting, I thought of the grandpa from "Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang"... where he's like "and the big brown bear came lolloping over the mountain, and I lol'd.... yeah don't judge me
Either way, That is a bit about me and some things that have crossed my mind at.. well now its later but whatever.
Holy Shit! I almost forgot about the flying squirrel mullets. So I was driving to work today. And I saw this older gentleman on a bike with like a long, stereotypical Amish beard, you know, long, and poofyish. He also had nothing short of the most impressive mullet that I have seen up to this point in all my life. I can only describe it as a definite sign of the apocalypse. I'm fairly certain that Matthew says :and there will be wars, rumors of wars, famine, plague, destruction and reality altering mullets.
Oh, by the way, another thing you know about moose is that we are almost always completely full of shit.
Anyway, so this mullet, it was just awesome. I almost crashed into the suburban staring this thing down. Was it weird that it it was staring back? First thing that popped into my head was "Wow, that looks like a flying squirrel is sitting on his head, but has lost control of his back legs." Because the braids. See, not only did this man have an insanely large beard and mullet, he had gone about braiding them. You know Captain Jack Sparrow style, minus the sheer awesomeness that it was Captain Jack Sparrow. This guy was not Captain Jack Sparrow, so therefore is being named Captain Flying Squirrel Mullet. Except I'm also sure he is not a captain. Because he was on a bike, not a ship. But the front braids in his bead looked like the front paws of the flying squirrel, the bald patch on his head looked like its' skin flappys, and the back braids looked like his extended legs. It was captivating and spectacular.
You know what, if you couldn't sense my ADD after that, I worry about you.
I really hope I see Captain Flying Squirrel Mullet sometime when I have the ability to snap a photo. Because I guarantee that you would see it too. And when a moose guarantees something, you bet your ass.. yeah that's a lie waiting to happen.
So that is all from me for now, If anyone reads this I hope you enjoy it. The other characters I mentioned on my main page thing will come into play in time.. I just want to attain their permission before I tell stories, use their real names, etc.
I think this merits investigation. Not by me though. See the first thing you must learn about a moose, like myself, is that we simply just do not care. Honestly internet, short of you intruding into my personal space, prodding me with a stick, or actively hunting me, I will pretty much leave you to your business. This lack of care often leads to procrastination. I cannot tell you how many times I have looked into a mirror and seen foliage hanging off my antlers (things stuck in my hair, teeth) or like just a sopping wet mane and coat and just been like. "yeah, that will go away by itself." I also an a bit passive aggressive, and I think that is pretty standard when it comes to us moose. You see me all like chill in the little pond thing doing moose stuff and then you get closer and its like.. well I'm not sure how it would go but I think something like:
Interloper: Oh, wow, that's a moose!
Me: I hope he doesn't try to come closer and investigate my moose stuff.
Interloper: I'm going to get all up in his moose stuff!
Me: Shit.
Interloper: "Hey Moose! What are you doing??"
Me: "Nothing." JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! (in my head)
Interloper: "Looks like you're carving obscenities into the door of your locker, there moose."
Me: "Yup, now please leave me alone."
Interloper: "Can I join? I got a real nice obscenity carving tool here...
Me interrupting: GO AWAY BEFORE I USE THAT HANDY OBSCENITY CARVING TOOL TO MAKE A SHANK OUT OF YOUR SPINE!!!
Okay, well I only actually say that last part in my head. Because I'm passive-aggressive, and if I actually said that, well, its not really passive aggressive. Unless i misunderstand the term. I usually just cut the person off in a must subtler way, then make them pay for their interloping over time.
Sometimes I wish I had the moose balls to just say things like that. It could really simplify things if I could immediately let the interloper that no, I would not like him to join in on my obscenity carvings on MY locker door, and that it would bring me great joy to make a shank out of their spine. But if I did that, then I wouldn't really be a moose. I'd be like a bear. Cuz bears don't fuck around with interlopers. Something like this?
Bear sees Interloper.
Interloper dies.
I don't know if any of that was necessary. The point is, just let me carve my obscenities. I promise they are probably not about you.
Another thing you must get used to (apparently) is me jumping from rural ponds with moose to modern high school hallways, college dorms, medieval combat society fields, and urban locales. Probably just for this first post, and since I have ADD, I probably wont keep it up for very long.
All I wanted to do thus far is explain a little bit about myself and why I am called moose by my close friends. I am a relatively calm, passive aggressive person who writes funny with his right hand, which is a problem I imagine all moose have, AND I like to be left alone when carving obscenities. And I have ADD. Im not sure how badly. bad? whatever. I passed, well, failed the ADD test as a child, but it was by a margin, and I know I have it. You will too after several posts. Hell, you might know already.
I am sure my physical stature also has something to do with it, as I am a 6'5, I have brown hair, often times long, brown eyes and a walk that you could call "lumbering" -- haha, okay so after re-reading this before posting, I thought of the grandpa from "Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang"... where he's like "and the big brown bear came lolloping over the mountain, and I lol'd.... yeah don't judge me
Either way, That is a bit about me and some things that have crossed my mind at.. well now its later but whatever.
Holy Shit! I almost forgot about the flying squirrel mullets. So I was driving to work today. And I saw this older gentleman on a bike with like a long, stereotypical Amish beard, you know, long, and poofyish. He also had nothing short of the most impressive mullet that I have seen up to this point in all my life. I can only describe it as a definite sign of the apocalypse. I'm fairly certain that Matthew says :and there will be wars, rumors of wars, famine, plague, destruction and reality altering mullets.
Oh, by the way, another thing you know about moose is that we are almost always completely full of shit.
Anyway, so this mullet, it was just awesome. I almost crashed into the suburban staring this thing down. Was it weird that it it was staring back? First thing that popped into my head was "Wow, that looks like a flying squirrel is sitting on his head, but has lost control of his back legs." Because the braids. See, not only did this man have an insanely large beard and mullet, he had gone about braiding them. You know Captain Jack Sparrow style, minus the sheer awesomeness that it was Captain Jack Sparrow. This guy was not Captain Jack Sparrow, so therefore is being named Captain Flying Squirrel Mullet. Except I'm also sure he is not a captain. Because he was on a bike, not a ship. But the front braids in his bead looked like the front paws of the flying squirrel, the bald patch on his head looked like its' skin flappys, and the back braids looked like his extended legs. It was captivating and spectacular.
You know what, if you couldn't sense my ADD after that, I worry about you.
I really hope I see Captain Flying Squirrel Mullet sometime when I have the ability to snap a photo. Because I guarantee that you would see it too. And when a moose guarantees something, you bet your ass.. yeah that's a lie waiting to happen.
So that is all from me for now, If anyone reads this I hope you enjoy it. The other characters I mentioned on my main page thing will come into play in time.. I just want to attain their permission before I tell stories, use their real names, etc.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
